the sky was dull | and hypothetical

It's kinda nice having this forum where I can talk about things that I don't want to talk about and then everyone knows what's going on and I don't have to explain or talk about it anymore. But it does seem, doesn't it, that I talk an awful lot about things that I say that I don't want to talk about? To clarify - when I say that I don't want to talk about something, it means, I don't want YOU to talk about it, but I want to talk about it anytime I feel like it, and then to stop talking about it when I say stop. So, class, are we all caught up? Okay, good. Let's proceed. Because I want to talk about the thing that I don't want to talk about.

So, the person at whom I'm currently pissed off at tried to contact me a couple of days ago, with a sheepish "hi" over MSN. Well, I let him have it. "Not a good time, making dinner, not ready to talk to you yet" and he left me alone. Hasn't tried since. Think I scared him off. Well, good. He can go sulk a bit. If he is. I hope that he is. I am a shallow person and yes, it makes me feel better to think that he's unhappy, too. And people say that I'm nice. Little do they know.

I really did want to talk to him, though, and do still. However, my roommate asked what I would do if he wanted me back (so to speak) - would I take him back? My initial response was along the lines of ha-HA! sucker! see how it feels! Probably not the best thing, and I know I'd regret it. Because, well, I think that I would. So, no, don't think I'm ready to talk.

Now, I'm done. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

ce n'est pas du tout mon genre

I guess that this can be considered a streak.

Ever have one of those days where you wake up early and decide that today, damnit, you're going to look good so you pick out a nice outfit and then spend an absurd amount of time trying to force your uncooperative hair into stubborn submission but then with a disgusted "to hell with it" give up and wish to God that you could wear a hat or even better just not go to work at all not because of the bad hair day but you're already in a pissy mood and it's only 8 a.m. and the damn hair is just another indication of how wonderful your day will be but you have to go so you just pull it back and realize that you're late for work and rush out the door and halfway through traffic realize that you'd forgotten your lunch but not only that but you don't have money to buy any AGAIN and then you arrive at work late and look at your schedule and groan because it's 8 or 9 hours of tedious meetings and mundane paperwork and more than ever you just want to go home and crawl back into bed and are perfectly fine with letting the world take care of itself without you for a bit, thank you very much?

No? Me, neither. sigh

there's a hole in the bucket

Two posts in two days, after over three months of nothing. Don't fall out of your chair from shock.

Today was a surprisingly productive day at work. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you're trying to keep your mind off of your personal life. Of course, then some little reminder forces its way in and everything comes crashing down. Oh yay, the joys of dealing with a broken heart.

I'm afraid, however, that I've destroyed a relationship with someone who has come to mean so much to me that I can't imagine my life without him. It's only been two days, but I did tell him to fuck off, literally. To go figure things out and when he did, to get back to me. Then I hung up. It was cathartic and it did feel good to get it out of my system and he did piss me off, but still. I'm wondering what he'll say, if he'll say anything to me.

As far as how I'm doing, well, I just feel empty. Like there's nothing there. I think that I'm doing a good job of pretending, though. I don't want anyone at work to know what's happened; heck, they didn't even know that I was more or less with someone. And I try to put on a good face because I want those who are acquanted with the situation (yes, you know who you are) to stop worrying about me. There's nothing you can do. No, I'm not okay now, but I will be. These things happen - hell, I heard about five songs on the radio today about this very same situation - and we deal with it and move on. You can't have the sweet without the sour. When I find the real thing, I'll just appreciate it all that much more. I'm not going to go throwing myself off of bridges or buildings or anything.

Being the strong, independant woman that I am, is it selfish of me that I want to show him up? I truly want him to be a friend, eventually. But hurting and bitter that I am at the moment, all I want right now is for him to realize what a good thing he had, and what a gigantic ass he was to throw it away.

do you believe in magic?

I am an optimist. I have to be one. I don't think I could live and not be one. I love fairy tales. I love the phrase "and they lived happily ever after". I believe in magic, and especially unicorns. I like too think that if one truly believes enough, that it is possible to see one. I believe in happy endings, which makes me a horrible novel reader; when things get a little tough, I tend to skip to the end to make sure that it all turns out okay. I wish I could do that in my life. I wish that I could skip to the end and make sure that everything happens as it was supposed to turn out.

My favorite movies are the ones where the guy gets the girl in the end (or vice versa). I recently saw The Prince and Me and the movie ends with the Prince of Denmark, Edvard, telling Paige to do what she wants - go to med school, etc., that he'll wait, that he needs her. The movie ends with them falling happily into each others arms. She doesn't lose her independence, and she gets the guy (a hot prince, no less). The DVD offers an alternate ending as an extra where Paige leaves Denmark and her Prince behind and...that's it. They don't end up together. What the hell? What kind of story is that? I felt cheated after watching that ending. Yes, I know real life is more often that alternate ending than not. That is why they are called fairy tales and not "real life tales". We all live in the real world. I see it everyday on the news, in the papers, on the internet, all around me. So, while I say that I am an optimist, I am also a realist, too. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. That way, all bases are covered. But even having your bases covered doesn't mean that it's easier to deal with when the worst does happen.

Now, of course, when I say that the worst has happened, I am exaggerating. But, I had come to a door in my road of life and behind that door lay either a more defined path or a brick wall. I languished in front of the door for a while, and could have done so longer, afraid of that brick wall that might be hiding behind. Well, I finally opened the door, and what do you know, there was indeed a giant brick wall. So, right now, I hurt. I didn't get my happy ending. Oh, my life's not over that, I know, and I'm not being fatalist, but I've been forced to sever a relationship that's meant so much to me, and now I have to find a way and pick up the pieces and move on. But life goes on, and so do I. And I still have my unicorns.