don't read this if your name starts with a triangle

you will have to excuse me. i am starting to get in stressed-out freak-out mode about my project. it's t-3 wks and i still have no clue as to what i am going to put in my report to my school about what i have spent the last two months doing. here is the description given me by my mentor as to what the master's theses supposedly entails: it "involves such tasks as working on management issues, carrying out scientific or technical investigations, or proposing and carrying out ideas for original research". egads. i am in trouble. basically all i have been doing the last few weeks is to help figure out the deficiencies in the area in which i work. hmmm, maybe that can fall under research if i am clever enough...

i am nervous, especially because it will mean disappointing people - my school, my friends to whom i will present, and worst of all, my coworkers if i do not produce something good.

per normal, i am cranky, hungry, and tired. and i have at least 2 more hours of work to go - 3 if i can handle it. i have loads of time that i need to make up. and loads of work to do.

i am reading a confederacy of dunces by john kennedy toole. cool name. comes from the quote: "when a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him" - jonathan swift, thoughts on various subjects, moral and diverting. it's a pulitzer prize winner, and supposed to be quite hilarious, but still waiting. granted, am only on page 58, but still.

grumble of the day

i am going to my best friend's wedding this weekend, which is turning out to be even more expensive than my own will ever be, assuming hell ever freezes over, pigs fly, and sundry other impossibilities which must occur in order for such an auspicious event as my wedding to take place. when women utter (or, in my case, write) such comments, it is masking a secret desire for marriage and the fact that said woman has far-too-high expectations of her perfect mate. for the record, yes, i do want to get married. at some point. and while i have high expectations, i do not think that they are unrealistic; i am not looking for the perfect man, only the perfect one for me. there is a difference.

anyway. back to the regularly scheduled grumble. as mentioned, i am going to a wedding this weekend and it is one ginormous hassle. anyone else, i wouldn't go. i have to take an overnight train to paris, fly from there all the way to san fran, and then my parents have to pick me up and take me home - a bit of a drive. it is costing me in excess of $800. that is not including the dress (~$150) and accessories and the wedding gift. they have known that they were getting married for upwards of three years. i am going to be done with europe in two months. could they not have waited a little longer? but no, must get married NOW. granted, not my wedding, i have no say in it, but really, two more months???

*****
i wasn't paying too much attention to where i was walking this morning and ran into the corner of a sign and have some nice cuts on my face now. hope that tetanus shot is still current, as otherwise, things could get interesting.

i can be your hero, baby

i discovered the other day that yes, indeed, i really am an idiot. i had hoped that i had managed to escape the doom of mankind, but alas, 'twas not to be. everyone is, you know, and the sooner that each person comes to this realization, the better, in my opinion. fewer egos to deal with. what makes me extra special is that i am an extra gullible idiot. oh, the fun, the joy, the humiliation.

and no, i am not going to say what it is. only that the thing that i was so upset about, i really had no cause to be upset about. because i am an idiot.

i came up with a list the other day of things that i do not like. i was told that this was a very negative list, and that instead of saying things like "i hate stupidity" i could write "i admire intelligence". true, but that is not a very good example. i do not consider stupidity and intelligence to necessarily be antonyms, at least not in the sense that i mean. i think that i am fairly intelligent, but at the same time, i can be mind-numbingly stupid. for example, i hate stupidity in that it is a lack of common sense. but then, i guess i could say "i admire common sense" which i do. but that is not the point. some things cannot be put in a positive light and have the same meaning. maybe in a future post i will be more optimistic (despite all of my whining and complaining, i like to think that i am a fairly optimistic person) and make a positive list of traits i do admire and things i like.

so, here is my list and it's my list and i can make it how i want. if it's negative, fine. noone is forcing you to read it. and yes, some of the traits do pertain to me, and i hate these things in myself more than i do in anyone else. (these are in no particular order.)

1. stupidity as in lack of common sense
2. when i should have known - did know! - better (guess that falls under stupidity, but it happens enough that it merits its own line)
3. insincerity
4. dishonesty
5. people who chew with their mouth open
6. the grammatically-incorrect phrase "you've got mail"
7. bad grammar in general
8. the overuse of the words "get" and "got"
9. how gullible i am
10. total laziness (occasional weekend laziness perfectly acceptable)
11. smoking
12. sushi
13. traffic
14. people telling me how to drive
15. war
16. pain
17. immorality
18. trashiness
19. judgmental people
20. hot spinach
21. my inability to speak more than one language well
22. my inabiltiy to speak even english well
23. misleading people (esp. if they make you think that they like you when they don't)
24. clutter
25. slovenliness
26. people who whine and complain all of the time (hush, i already admitted to that)
27. condescension
28. being frustrated
29. becoming upset, esp. if i do not have a good reason
30. having people mad at me whom I care for
31. not being liked
33. the fact that i care so much what other people think of me
34. yelling
35. trendiness
36. constantly being asked why i do not have a boyfriend
37. being told why i do not have a boyfriend
38. moodiness
39. no sense of humor
40. toilet humor
41. heavy metal music
42. rap
43. people who do not listen
44. ignorance
45. when a code doesn't work because of some stupid, ridiculous, tiny error like forgetting to put a comma
46. overly competitive people
47. that time of month
48. smog
49. gore
50. wusses

it's enough to make one go sterile

apologies to all three of you who were smart enough to discover that the harry potter hat and wand link at the bottom of my other diary was more than just decoration and who faithfully check this much-more-interesting and true-to-life blog only to find that it has been down for a while. at first i thought it was a fluke, that maybe blogger had caught a cold and decided to spend a few days in bed. then i checked the formatting and everthing had disappeared. my entries were still entered, but something ate the formatting and nothing was showing up - no title, no entries, nada. while i think that it's a pretty background, after about two seconds, one wants something a little more stimulating. like maybe moon-singing bug-eyed spongemonkey things.

i have no idea what happened and why everything disappeared. but, i am sure that it is something YOU did. not me, never me. or maybe it's a hypernova which made my blog sterile. (no, i have not finally lost my tenuous hold on reality just yet - that was an assertion made by the infallible discovery channel, although the statement pertained to reproductive beings and not blogs, although this one does seem to have a personality.)

so, i have started over. there were some difficulties in trying to get the formatting just the way i wanted it, and now i have all of the fun of doing it over again. just what i wanted! ah, if only such was the precedence of all my wishes, then i would be the queen of england. not because i want to be the queen of england, per se, but because i wouldn't mind being married to prince william.

i finished both Shirley and Vilette by charlotte brontë over the weekend. the former had a happy ending, the latter... it was a "lady or the tiger" sort of deal. very frustrating - did he or didn't he??? my personal opinion is: not.

oh, and today, i am having a good hair day. the days are rare enough to actually make such a claim, i feel it noteworthy.

sometimes i really hate being a woman

that is all i have to say.

insert title here

i really have nothing interesting to say. yeah, so, i never do. thanks for the support. i just feel like rambling. blah blah blah.

i bought a pair of low-rise jeans this weekend in prague. (i love that - "nice jeans, where did you get them?" "oh, these? they're just something i picked up when i was in prague.") now i can show off my new thongs. with this bum? hmmm, maybe not. still need to work on that self-esteem bit. i feel like i am about five years behind the curve. my first kiss was at 21. first real boyfriend same year, same boy. first... okay, we'll leave that one alone. ;) first manicure/pedicure at 25. first real interest in sexy clothes at 27. depressing. i like to think of it as i am a late bloomer. yeah, that's it.

the song "breath easy" by blue is currently playing. i've decided that i quite like it.