there's a hole in the bucket

Two posts in two days, after over three months of nothing. Don't fall out of your chair from shock.

Today was a surprisingly productive day at work. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you're trying to keep your mind off of your personal life. Of course, then some little reminder forces its way in and everything comes crashing down. Oh yay, the joys of dealing with a broken heart.

I'm afraid, however, that I've destroyed a relationship with someone who has come to mean so much to me that I can't imagine my life without him. It's only been two days, but I did tell him to fuck off, literally. To go figure things out and when he did, to get back to me. Then I hung up. It was cathartic and it did feel good to get it out of my system and he did piss me off, but still. I'm wondering what he'll say, if he'll say anything to me.

As far as how I'm doing, well, I just feel empty. Like there's nothing there. I think that I'm doing a good job of pretending, though. I don't want anyone at work to know what's happened; heck, they didn't even know that I was more or less with someone. And I try to put on a good face because I want those who are acquanted with the situation (yes, you know who you are) to stop worrying about me. There's nothing you can do. No, I'm not okay now, but I will be. These things happen - hell, I heard about five songs on the radio today about this very same situation - and we deal with it and move on. You can't have the sweet without the sour. When I find the real thing, I'll just appreciate it all that much more. I'm not going to go throwing myself off of bridges or buildings or anything.

Being the strong, independant woman that I am, is it selfish of me that I want to show him up? I truly want him to be a friend, eventually. But hurting and bitter that I am at the moment, all I want right now is for him to realize what a good thing he had, and what a gigantic ass he was to throw it away.