i suppose i should be feeling something

It's been six months, which is surprising to me not that I've not written here for that amount of time, but I just ready my last post and I can't believe that that was six months ago. I think I've figured out what it was about that book that got to me, and it really is the happy-but-not ending - the songs, books, movies (etc.) that stay with me the most and the longest are usually of this type. There is something about them. I can't describe it, but they just get to me. Like the latest Pirates move; too long, rather drawn out, too fantastic, but the ending... I don't know. I'm not sure I entirely liked it, and I don't even mean in my usual manner of such things, but it did get to me. More than I think it got to my friends who likely stopped thinking about the movie the minute we left the theater.

But, that is not the point of this post. The point is that I am feeling the need to express the fact that I am feeling the clock ticking. Or rather, that I should feel it ticking and I don't. With my last close single friend currently doubled up, I am feeling surprisingly lonely. Several friends are also in the process of procreation. It makes me think about how I want to get married and have kids (gone from the "maybe" to "yes" category)...but not now. And I'm at the age where if I want to have children, should do it before long, at least before it's at the point of "medical miracle". And I'd like to be married before then; I can't even imagine raising a child by myself. No idea how other single parents do it.

My computer is about to die; will have to finish later.

the kingdom of heaven is not built on selfishness

Sometimes I think of myself as philosophical, sometimes I think I'm quite shallow. I like pretty things and I notice how people look and what they wear and I get bored with the news and have a hard time thinking of the Big Issues like Immigration and Abortion and Stem Cells and all that because I'm not exactly sure where I stand on all of that. It's hard and I shouldn't have to worry my pretty little head about that kind of stuff.

But then, then I read something small and seemingly insignificant and it gets to me and I can't let it go. Like a book I just finished and I'm not going to say because saying would cheapen the feeling, I think. If that makes sense. It's about a boy and a girl, 12-13 years old, who go through a rite of passage - spritual, mental, physical, emotional. And it turns out that they are the loves of each other's life. The fact that they fell in love is not that surprising with all that they've been through. That's not what gets me, but rather the passion and force behind their feelings, the understanding that they have of each other and the world around them, and with that understanding, the realization of their responsibilities and knowledge that they cannot be together as they live in separate worlds and neither could survive long outside their own and while each was willing to give up their world and life to live with the other for the short time they could be together, the other would not have that.

They saw it as an act of selfishness, putting what they wanted above what was right and good and negating all that they had come through. It was the ultimate sacrifice. I am not doing a good job of explaining this, and even thinking about it, I don't know why it has such a hold of me, but it does. Part of it is that the author hinted at the separation through the use of poignant flashbacks before it was made clear exactly what was going to happen, so that by the time the separation became inevitable, the importance of the event was doubly emphasized.

One always wants the hero and heroine to end up together. Being a total hopeless romantic, I hate books that don't end that way, but sometimes, as in this case, I love them, too. It gets under my skin the way a happy ending wouldn't, and makes me think and feel and hope and wish and want to be a better person. To meet the love of your life at 13 and know that that is very likely it and yet be able to give it up because it is the right thing to do - I am not sure that I could be that strong or that selfless, but a book like this, it makes me think that maybe I could.

Call it silly, romantic, pathetic, childish, whatever. It is a young adult fantasy book, after all. I don't care. I can't help it. There you have it; make of it what you will.

dreams cast into the sky

Firstly, thanks to the kind words of ye who commented on the previous post. Nice to know that I'm not the only one. =)

In reading over my last couple posts (few and far between as they are), I realize that this is more of an exercise in search for self-esteem than anything else. Or at least, right now. I know that I have low self-esteem. I also know that I shouldn't because I have a lot going for me. People who do not have low self-esteem (most of those around me) are mystified why I do and keep telling me that I shouldn't. Which is frustrating to me because telling me to have higher self-esteem is going to make it so. Right. It's not like I chose to think badly of myself, although some would argue that it is, and to a certain degree, I'll concede, but it's not like I woke up one day and thought, well, hey, I want to think of myself as a horrible person. The problem is that, for me, at least, I have such high standards for myself that when I do not meet them (and being so high, this is often), I therefore am stupid, ugly, etc. when in reality, this is not the case. I am not sure of my self (add lack of self-confidence to the list), whether it is something that I do or say, so I use self-deprecation as a defense mechanism; rip on myself, make fun of myself, before someone else does.

Self-deprecation humor, when used correctly and sparingly, can be charming and attractive. However, it has become so ingrained in my conversation that I do not realize just how excessively I use it. As a result, I'm really starting to annoy people around me and have received several (well-intentioned) lectures about how I need to stop. I am trying to stop, but it's not easy; that whole "ingrained" business.

So, for you self-confident people out there, have a little compassion and understanding for your friends who are not as sure of themselves as you are. It's a frelling hard thing to overcome, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Trust me, we all wish that we could have the same confidence that you exhibit.

she's the worst kind

For some people, when they've been given negative news, they dig in and are motivated to do better. Me, I crawl home, find comfort in food and want to take a nap, operating under the vain hope that when I wake up, everything will be okay. Where I get this idea, I have no clue because nothing's ever disappeared overnight.

I would like to be motivated. I have always had a difficult time motivating myself. I want to learn languages, but without classes, even with books and tapes and all, I do very little on my own. It's hard and takes time and it doesn't come easy to me so I don't do it. I want to lose 10 pounds, but that requires getting up early and working out and effort. I want to become more knowledgable in my work and wow my management, but that involves reading and studying and that's boring. So many people around me are talented and gifted and do things with unconscious ease and grace and effortlessly (no really, they do; this isn't just an impression) that I feel like I should be able to do it, too. But I don't have a photographic memory, things don't come that easily to me, I don't have a natural self-confidence like my coworkers.

I need to find motivation. And fast.

no use for a name

There are some people who do everything right - wear the right clothes, know the right people, say the right things, be in the right place at the right time, and so on. They are also organized, on time, and always have the answer.

I am not one of those people. In fact, some days I feel as if my purpose in life is to balance out the universe for those people. All of them.