dreams cast into the sky
Firstly, thanks to the kind words of ye who commented on the previous post. Nice to know that I'm not the only one. =)
In reading over my last couple posts (few and far between as they are), I realize that this is more of an exercise in search for self-esteem than anything else. Or at least, right now. I know that I have low self-esteem. I also know that I shouldn't because I have a lot going for me. People who do not have low self-esteem (most of those around me) are mystified why I do and keep telling me that I shouldn't. Which is frustrating to me because telling me to have higher self-esteem is going to make it so. Right. It's not like I chose to think badly of myself, although some would argue that it is, and to a certain degree, I'll concede, but it's not like I woke up one day and thought, well, hey, I want to think of myself as a horrible person. The problem is that, for me, at least, I have such high standards for myself that when I do not meet them (and being so high, this is often), I therefore am stupid, ugly, etc. when in reality, this is not the case. I am not sure of my self (add lack of self-confidence to the list), whether it is something that I do or say, so I use self-deprecation as a defense mechanism; rip on myself, make fun of myself, before someone else does.
Self-deprecation humor, when used correctly and sparingly, can be charming and attractive. However, it has become so ingrained in my conversation that I do not realize just how excessively I use it. As a result, I'm really starting to annoy people around me and have received several (well-intentioned) lectures about how I need to stop. I am trying to stop, but it's not easy; that whole "ingrained" business.
So, for you self-confident people out there, have a little compassion and understanding for your friends who are not as sure of themselves as you are. It's a frelling hard thing to overcome, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Trust me, we all wish that we could have the same confidence that you exhibit.
