i know what you came for | and i know when you'll leave

i know, wow, two posts in three days. but this is definitely a rant, i'm in a foul mood, and i don't want to put it on my other blog for fear of questions i don't want to answer. so don't ask. because i won't answer.

first, i got a ticket yesterday on the tram. one freakin' stop from my house. in strasbourg, they would round up the people and take them off the tram and write them tickets there. in germany, no. they make you stay on the tram and write you a ticket. so i had to stay on three stops past mine. i was so upset that i didn't even wait for a tram back but walked home instead. every single stinkin' day i've had my pass, but of course, the one day i forget it, that's when they're there. boo. but fortunately i didn't have to pay on the spot and maybe i won't have to pay at all. i have to go to the central station and take my student id and pass and everything and the ticket and see if i have to pay. hopefully not. that would be good. also, it is on my way home so the hassle is minimized. but it is still a hassle that i do not need. and if i have to pay, it is a 40€ fine. i can think of a lot of better things to do with 40€.

second, a person for whom i care deeply hurt me very badly a couple of months ago. i was so upset that i couldn't talk to this person for a while. even though we got over it and things were better than ever, there were still instances that brought it all back, even though this person wasn't doing anything technically wrong. it is like a wound that you thought was pretty well healed, only to discover not as much as you thought and can still cause you occasional and severe pain when accidentally banged into a wall, or something, and you try to hide it because you feel so stupid for being so dumb. exactly how i feel. i bang it into a lot of walls.

i never talked about it because it is rather ridiculous. i try to hide it for the same reason, but every now and then it would just get to be too much and it would boil over the top. part if it is that i am not a person with very high self-esteem; a failing on my side that i am working on. part of it is that my relationship with this person was so tenuous that i never really knew where i stood. and part of it is that my trust, once shaken, is really hard to regain. so i was always unsure and never felt quite comfortable with the situation, even though, based on the reparations made which were above and beyond what was called for (and of which i am v. appreciative), deep-down i knew there was nothing to worry about.

still, it always seemed that the instances kept happening. and this morning, another. indirectly, and from thousands of miles away. but it was enough. basically, this person shared some information with a particular person, and not with me, and i found out about it this morning. it's very minor, inconsequential really, but the main issue is with whom it was shared. anyone but that person. and also that it wasn't shared with me. and that is how it always was, little little things, and with anyone else, i wouldn't care. i knew i was (and am) being silly, but really, was it necessary that it happened so often?

aarrrggghhh. i hate that i feel this way. but, i guess that we cannot really control how we feel, we can only control what we do. so, i try to keep a lid on it so everyone else doesn't see how stupid i am. sometimes, a little leaks through, but i hope not too much and not too often. and getting it out here helps, as well. i just hope that i was vague enough that even in the unlikely event that the people involved read it, they may not know who they are or what the heck i am talking about. and if you are and do, then, well, please just ignore me. it is something that i have to get it out and as you can see, i cannot share it with anyone. noone would understand and the only response would be that I am being stupid and silly, which i already know, thank you very much.

third, i am having a bad hair day.

fourth, i am on the rag (you really wanted to know, didn't you?) so i am more cranky than usual.

fifth, people smoke way too damn much over here. and i thought that the french were bad. they're nothing compared to germans. should i die of lung cancer, i'll know exactly where i got it.

sixth, i'm hungry.

seventh, i can't really think of a seventh, but i like the number seven and wanted there to be seven items.